So the Olympics. Each games they add a new sport to the table. I had really hoped that this time in Paris 2024 the noble game of cricket would finally be restored to its rightful place of Olympic honour. “Restored!?” you ask incredulously. Why yes indeed. For behold in the 1900 games (so just the second of the modern games), cricket did feature. Although there were only two teams; one quite predictably Britain, the other - wait for it … France. Yes the fro, sorry France. It transpired that Britain was victorious. And that was the last cricket played in the Olympics. I suspect I know why. The planning may have been the worst coin toss in cricket history. Britain and France, for goodness sake. Whichever side had won, Anglo-French relations would have been more blighted for yet another century. Don’t they learn anything from history over there?

The restoration of Olympic cricket, on French soil, would have been a most fitting salute to the Olympic spirit, and the French would have been forced to welcome the Brits with a smile for the cameras. Which I expect would be rare. (The smile, not the cameras). Alas it was not to be; however … cricket will return next games, Los Angeles 2028. Howzat?!

Now I have a suggestion, which I hope is not too late to offer. I reckon they could nick it in over lunch by the Seine. Cricket has matured culturally since 1900. My proposal for the reintroduction of Olympic cricket is one that will be much in keeping with recent new offerings while serving to share the blessings of the Australian way of life, thereby raising the global cultural median substantially. 

We've had beach volleyball for several Olympics, and now there's other seaside choices. In the same spirit of aestival recreation I propose the introduction specifically of backyard cricket. If beach volleyball's a goer they cannot morally refuse backyard cricket. My fellow Australians I’m sure will catch the vision with acclamation. Enough of these boring pursuits where everyone knows the rules before play starts. Where's the challenge in that?

We'd be a shoe in for the Gold for the first dozen Olympics at least. It would take the rest of the world at least that long to catch on to the dynamically evolving situationally determined rules of play and scoring. Especially if the umpiring is restricted to the kids, as seems entirely logical. 

"Six and out" is a genius of utilitarian labour saving (and interlude beveraging) quite apart from the strategic challenges, especially with the added ingredient of a neurotic German Shepherd in the neighbouring yard. "Will I or won't I?" 

Beyond that the possibilities for victory by confounding the opponent are limitless. The moving hills hoist in the middle of the pitch. The protruding piece of broken concrete in front of the crease. The fresh dog turd in the long wet grass at the bowler's end. The rule revisions over a beer between overs. The selection of the preferred wheelie bin to serve as the stumps. The potential to score 500 in half an hour with judicious accounting. The sleeping dog serving as the field umpire. The risk of being very unreasonably grounded just because the ball smashed through the kitchen window into the potato salad. Mozzie bites all round. And so many more. 

Mates, larrikins, and all: I say let us seize the day for antipodean glory with this gift of culture to the world and even more gold for us. Howzat again?!