I’ve got a totally hip project for the right person. The successful applicant will accept as full payment the satisfaction of having contributed to the general common good. S/he will be totally up with the latest in whatever the video equivalent of a selfie may be called. (I’m not hip enough to know, but that’s why I’m hiring someone, you see.) S/he will also exhibit exceptional personal hygiene and skill in culinary consumption.

All you have to do is take a video clip of yourself successfully eating an entire kebab (lamb, chicken, falafel or combo - with sticky / runny sauce) .. and here’s the key .. without a single drop or morsel ending up anywhere other than the digestive tract side of your lips. No garlic-aoli stains on the clean ironed shirt you just put on this morning, no soggy hummus-soaked pita crumbs in your beard, no stray shreds of lettuce, tomato or onion forming a colourful mural on the table, the napkin, the floor, your pants or your friend’s iPhone. 

I’m certain this feat must be totally possible, but clearly I have an opportunity for growth. So yeah. Just film yourself doing it, ideally nonchalantly and without signs of stress or facial contortion. Load it up to YouTube, and pop a link in the comments below please. That way I can watch and learn, and go and train others.

All clear? Super. Your time starts now ...