'Onya Southgate! Protecting us humble latte-sippers from those snapshot terrorists. Why I was down there just the other day, and they were swarming, a veritable cohort of them. Some still in strollers - with those weapons of mass refraction strapped to their belts. Thousands of them I reckon ... Oh alright, maybe about seventy. But I bet they had more than lenses and batteries in those bags. I'm alert, thanks to my trusty fridge-magnet.

But don't stop there; we're still far from safe at Southbank. How about all those cyclists? Pedal terrorists. Up to twenty of them sometimes. Like I've always said, you can't trust a man in lycra. (And what do they carry in those funny helmets?) Honestly it's just a matter of time till 3 or 4 of those weapons of mass rotation get pedalled right into the food court. Imagine the carnage ... And the paddle terrorists too. After the PM's close encounter minutes upstream, we know what those rowers can do with their screwdrivers. Weapons of mass salutation. (By the way, Mr Howard, time to reissue the magnets. We're plainly just not alert enough.)

And then there's the birds ....